Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Bush for Baseball Commissioner-- Clark for Commander-in-Chief

As the economy recovers, President Bush has made it a priority to help Americans still looking for work by pushing for a sound energy bill, personal reemployment accounts, and an end to frivolous lawsuits that hamper job creation. "America's economy has challenges, and I will not be satisfied until every American looking for work can find a job," said the President.

Well, thanks Dubya! I see a little problem, though. Howard Dean’s out of work, but he wants your job. Gonna help him out? Of course he has pretty good job training and could always go back to practicing medicine. General Wesley Clark has a job currently, but many of us believe he is underemployed. I hope you will agree that underemployment is the most undermeasured and thus underreported economic statistic.

On the other hand, there is the phenomena known as the Peter Principle. In theory, one rises to the level of his incompetence and advances no further. As you’re fond of saying, people do tend to misunderestimate you. Of course, that is largely because it is damn near impossible to misoverestimate you. Still, it is truly amazing how you have turned the Peter Principle on its ear by advancing despite being incompetent at everything you have done since succeeding wildly at being DKE social chair at Yale. (Although your admission to Yale itself was a remarkable accomplishment beyond raw ability-- wonder how that happened?)

Perhaps your greatest accomplishment beyond your competence was becoming commander-in-chief. Yes, back while Clinton was grappling with his anti-Vietnam War stance and maintaining “political viability,” I bet sending troops into battle was the furthest thing from your cocaine-addled mind while your absence-without-leave turned into full-fledged desertion. For a deserter to rise to the leader of the world’s greatest fighting force stretches Peter’s ol’ principle past the breaking point. No wonder we misunderestimated you! Who wouldn’t?

But you’ve reached the pinnacle now, at least in many people’s minds. Actually, not your’s, though. You know what I’m talking about. That childhood dream of free box seats and hot dogs and pretzels. (Okay, maybe skip the pretzels.) That’s right, Major League Baseball Commissioner! It’s the perfect marriage! You’re a lazy bastard who cleans up well and they need a figurehead who won’t tell the owners what to do. It will be just like cabinet meetings that you attend when Cheney is at an undisclosed location or breaking a tie in the Senate for the benefit of your rich friends.

So you’ve done it. Showed up all those teachers who said you wouldn’t amount to anything, or as you recall it, “wouldn’t amount to nuthin’.” You’ve shown Mom and Dad that they were wrong to think Jebby was most likely to be President. You even toppled Saddam’s regime before Father’s Day and killed his sons to boot! Take a break. You deserve it. God knows, we need it. Do it for America! More importantly, do it for baseball!

General Clark is underemployed. He has thirty-four years of training to be commander-in-chief. You’ve played soldier long enough. There are baseball games that need watchin’ and hot dogs that need eatin.’ Get to work!

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