Sunday, December 21, 2003

Dem Wrestling Federation

A Daily Kos reader posed the question of, "Who could beat up who in the Democratic Presidential field?" Well no one knows for sure, but here's one possible scenario.

The Smackdown

Kucinich would be the first to go, followed by Lieberman who would whine as he was taken out of the ring. Edwards would be too tentative, concerned that his hair might be mussed, and would run from the ring after a menacing glance from Sharpton. Edwards would then file a suit against Al for intentional infliction of emotional distress, and try to find a way to add Kerry to the suit due to his deep pockets.

Gephardt would try to bore the others into submission, but Sharpton would finally have enough of his monotone and bitch-slap him out of the ring. CMB, who earlier had sat on Lieberman and pinned him, would charge Sharpton from behind while he was haranguing Holy Joe, who was now sitting in fourth row insulting the rest of the field as being "unelectable", and both would go flying into the third row where they would continue an unsanctioned bout. Kerry would talk a lot of smack in the ring, but as the battle raged on, he would run out of steam and be disqualified when he tried to engage in an illegal tag team with his wife Teresa.

It would, thus, come down to Dean and Clark. Trippi would get a warning for coaching from the corner. Trippi would then leave the building and coach Dean via his Blackberry. Dean would be scrappy and put up a good fight, showing flashes of brilliant rage that electrified the crowd. As it wore on and his Blackberry battery ran low, Dean would start to feel it slipping away and bite Clark while in a headlock. Clark would look to the referee and ask for a point reduction, but after the ref claimed not to have seen the bite, Clark, saying negotiation had not worked, would get really pissed and drop his signature Body Bomb on Dean. Clark would then get Dean in a full-nelson and insist that in lieu of crying "uncle", that Dean say to him, "You have the power."

Dean refuses, and while not able to pin Dean, Clark maintains him in a hold from which he can't escape and runs out the clock to win on points.

Of course, that is only one possible scenario.

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