Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Deep Inside Scoop

inventors have recently patented a new device (Parallel Conversation Device-- PCD, Patent Pending) that allows us to detect those private conversations people have with themselves while they are verbalizing other statements they believe to be more advantageous to their interests. Read below for our first deployment of this breakthrough technology.

PRETORIA (Reuters) - President Bush said on Wednesday he remained confident the Iraq war was right, even though the White House acknowledged it had been a mistake to accuse Saddam Hussein of trying to buy uranium from Niger.

"I am absolutely confident in the decision I made," said Bush, who ordered U.S.-led forces to invade Iraq on the basis of intelligence which said Saddam had or was developing weapons of mass destruction.

Bush’s parallel conversation: “Karl says be confident. Merikun people love a strong leader. What decision are we talking about, anyway? Don’t matter. I’m a confident man.”

"There's no doubt in my mind that when it's all said and done the facts will show the world the truth," Bush told a joint news conference with South African President Thabo Mbeki.

Bush’s parallel conversation: “Karl said he’d ‘splain all this mess later. I wonder if I’m going to be able to get my run in today? Damn, the valet didn’t pack a converter and my playstation won’t work here. We need to get airborne quick.”

Asked for the first time about the uranium issue, Bush said: "There's going to be a lot of attempts to rewrite history."

Bush’s parallel conversation: “In fact, I know Karl’s got some of our boys workin’ on it right now.”

The White House has acknowledged Bush relied on now discredited information when he said in a State of the Union speech in January the Iraqi leader tried to buy uranium from the West African state of Niger for its weapons programs.

But White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said on Wednesday it was "one single sentence" in a larger case against Iraq that remained valid.

Ari’s parallel conversation: “One whopping big-ass lie of a sentence, but a single sentence, nonetheless. I’m really starting to hate myself! And I don’t even have scruples! Man, I was hopin’ to be gone before this hit.”

But close U.S. ally Britain defended its own allegation that Saddam had sought uranium from Niger, saying its evidence was separate from the information used by Washington.

Prime Minister Tony Blair's spokesman said on Wednesday Britain had "different knowledge" from the United States to back up its charge, set out in Blair's September 2002 dossier on Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction.

"Our information comes from good, reliable sources..," said a British official. He declined to say who had provided it.

Unnamed British official’s parallel conversation: “We don’t share our best stuff with those bloody Yanks. Do you think we trust that drugstore cowboy or his pea-brained posse?”


The United States and Britain have found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction since toppling Saddam on April 9.

But Bush said he was confident Saddam had had a weapons of mass destruction program and that Washington had underestimated Iraq's nuclear progress before the 1991 Gulf War.

"Saddam Hussein was a threat to world peace. And there's no doubt in my mind that the United States...did the right thing in removing him from power," Bush said.

Bush parallel conversation: “Doubts show a lack of confidence. Hell, that’s why I don’t ever give nuthin’ a second thought. Shouldn’t traded Sosa, though.”

The annual State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress is one of the most visible and important speeches that a U.S. president can make, with each line reflecting a careful assessment of White House priorities.

Fleischer said the uranium charge, based on documents purporting to show Iraqi officials were seeking to buy the material from Niger, should not have been in the speech.

Ari’s parallel conversation: “I hate those Limey Fleet Street bastards. Up until now the American media hasn’t called us on jacks*#t.”

Secretary of State Colin Powell admitted on Wednesday that he thought the Niger link was not suitable for him to use when he made the case against Iraq in front of the United Nations shortly after Bush's State of the Union speech.

"I did not use it in the formal presentation I made on the 5th of February because by then there was such controversy about it, and as we looked at all that we knew about it, it did not seem to be the kind of claim that I should take into the U.N," Powell told BBC television in Pretoria while on an African trip with Bush.

Powell’s parallel conversation: “Don’t think I read whatever they put in front of me just because the moron does. You know darn well I thought it was bulls*#t.”

The documents, obtained by European intelligence agencies, are now accepted as forgeries.

"With the advantage of hindsight...this information should not have risen to the level of a presidential speech," Fleischer said.

Ari’s parallel conversation: “Or even with the foresight expected from your average college freshman before a term paper. Good lord, get me out of here!”

A former U.S. ambassador, asked to investigate an intelligence report alleging the uranium purchase bid, said in a New York Times article on Sunday he had told Washington months before the speech that such a transaction was "highly doubtful."

Former ambassador’s parallel conversation: “There’s no way in hell that happened and only an idiot would believe it did!”

The White House's National Security Council spokesman Michael Anton said on Tuesday that in the run-up to the speech, a national intelligence estimate referred to attempts by Iraq to acquire uranium from "several countries in Africa."

Anton’s parallel conversation: “Of course, we asked them to tell us that.”

Democrats seized on the White House admission to demand a full review of how Bush's Republican administration used intelligence to make the case for war in Iraq.

Democrats parallel conversation: “Do you think people might finally care about this one?”

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